Motherhood – Mind F**k

I’d like this post to be one of advice about how I have overcome some challenge and here are my top tips but….it’s not. It’s one of honest reflection in support of the unconscious challenges faced by women, particularly after having children.

 So I started my business while pregnant and omitted to mention it any prospective clients. Zoom calls allowed me to hide the bump. I had thoughts of clients saying – ‘she said she was starting a business and now she is having a baby??? Which one is it? She must not be serious about her business’. Even I was confused! Could I want both? Some of those fears of what people would think were founded – with one client unilaterally cancelling work with me because I would be ‘busy with the baby’. Some fears were a product of an unhelpful belief that it was not safe to slow down. There is safety in achieving.

I had the baby. I was confused. I really missed the pregnant me. I wasn’t so sure anymore about the me + baby scenario. I tried to get back to my old life as if it was a tooth I had pulled out and not a baby by C-section. I checked my emails once I got home from hospital. It helped me feel more connected  to my ‘old’ self. I didn’t have the cliché feelings of love-at-first-sight or being-a-mom-is-the best-job-in-the-world. I felt my life had been hit by a bomb and I would never be “me” again. It was terrifying!

I lost confidence in myself to do the most basic of things. I had done scary things in my life. I had taken risks and here I was terrified because I didn’t know how to pack a bag for our first day outside of the house???

I cried in the mothers groups or birthdays parties because I didn’t want to sing nursery rhymes with all the other moms and babies. I wanted to talk to the dads over by the food about real life stuff. I felt so lonely and shafted in this baby-making deal. Is this motherhood???

I write this as my baby girl turns 7 months. I am building my passion-driven business, the work I have searched for all this time and the work I now know is the reason I am here in this life. However, I am balancing what seem like conflictnig feelings. On the one hand, I feel so excited and proud of being able to do the thing the lights me up and the exceptionally humbling privilege I have to hold space for my clients’ vulnerability and triumph over pain. On the other hand, I feel guilt for things and I don’t know who the feelings belong to? Who put them there? Me, my family or society? I really believe the weight of these thoughts or feelings, consciously or unconsciously hold women back.

I should be more devoted and self-sacrificing for my baby and my partner;

I should be more attentive to what I eat and how I keep in shape so that I am attractive to be worthy;

I should not reach too high so as to invite remarks such as – ‘who does she think she is’,

 I wanted to say to LinkedIn – “just back from maternity leave” to explain my absence and “ready to get back to work” as if nothing has happened but the truth is:

 I’m new to:

  • Being a mom
  • Being in a relationship with a baby
  • Being a business owner
  • Not hiding behind a corporate – I AM the brand

I have not once stopped thinking about the impactful, integrity and feminine-centred business I want to create and yet, I struggle to ask for help because my perfectionism has always convinced me it’s not safe to.

A friend of mine shared that my me being so honest about my first baby experience and ALL the feelings, thoughts and challenges I have had helped HER have compassion for her experience 6 years’ prior. I hope this helps some and I hope this post helps me too! I hope my life will be long and I don’t want to spend it fearful or unsupported!